Stay Within The Lines

need me

2012-02-09T15:36:00.001-05:00

If I didn't have two souls that depended on me. I would end it all at this very moment. I don't have anyone in my life to pull me thru. It's so hard to breathe. I'm trying even as I type to find the strength not to crumble and pray that my soul is taken away. I want to be free. I want to leave this place of selfishness and uncaring people.

Random...Emotions

2012-02-03T16:59:00.000-05:00

One will never understand the feeling of abandonment when the action is an innate behavior. Dismissed repeatedly; so many times; yet, just one too many times this time around. I do not know how to open myself up again. I had closed myself off but I am screaming to get out. The recovery is difficult, as I had stated countless times. Please don’t just walk away. Please don’t dismiss me. I need my friend. I don’t act as a clutch but I need you. Nevertheless, it is done without care. I want to scream from the pain of it. I want to scream from the hurt of it. I'm tired of it. What have I done? I have done nothing to hurt you. Why am I so easily dismissed? Why? What have I said? I keep my emotions to myself as you’ve stated, you have no interest in my emotions. I love so much. I love so much.

Low, still

2012-02-02T13:49:00.000-05:00

Thinking that I am competing when there is no actual competition. I am low, low down on the totem pole of interest. How did I get there? Or maybe, I had always been there just not realized. I feel stupid for thinking that I matter to someone whom naturally seeks many. Using impulse disorders as the reasons for self-destructive choices. I recognize it as a clutch to feel whole, not to behave badly. But I am nothing. A non-matter in regards. I’m ready to fly away this time. I don’t want to feel low anymore. Value me? No, no…you have no value. But she, over there, online, yes! She has value over me. Always the one losing…that is I. Always.

Feeling Better

2012-01-24T15:03:00.001-05:00

Letting it go and finding peace

Accepting that what will be – will be

Not put off by it, instead embracing it

No, not sad – just distant

And…that is okay

For me

...and you love me.

2012-01-21T02:51:00.001-05:00

In my dream, we are together...

"He's Loving Her...Wake From Your Dream"

2012-01-19T18:16:00.001-05:00

"Seriously, when are you going to wake up and realize that he doesn't want you...You or what you've created together - no matter how earth shattering. Wake up! Its never going to happen. Realize that you are the one who made the choice to go forth with it, not him. He don't want you. Period. End of the story. Realize, there will never be an acknowledgement or acceptance. That is your battle to eternity. Realize what you are and wake the hell up."

Why can't I wake up? Why do I hold on to someone who doesn't really want or need me to be there as anything, even a friend.

Love breaks me down for loving too hard a thing that is already loved by another.

Why would he sacrifice that love and care for me? Why can't I wake up and see that? He has a love already...its not me. He has her. She has him. Together they love and support the other while I look in from a far from a dream that it is me he truly loves.

I'm so... asleep.

Always DayDreaming

2012-01-17T13:16:00.002-05:00

Slowly the truth is loading…daydreams entering to replace the truth.

Walking, the air is crisp but pleasantly warm despite the chill. The tender comfort of love in my hand, I move forward in a lazy state. Strolling along the walkway of life the feeling of peace surrounds me. The exotic sweet scent of vanilla and cloves fills the air offering a subtle comfort. I stand, overlooking a cliff, watching as the city moves at a fast pace of unknowing possibilities. I watch with an inner peace long since found at the souls of humanity, not bitter but at peace with their decisions. Heat surrounds me and hugs me close, whispering against the nap of my neck, secure and comforting; I lean into the warmth. The feeling of peacefulness consumes any misgivings. I smile. Knowing it is just a daydream.

I miss him, always.

2012-01-11T16:17:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I feel so stupid because all I want to do is talk him. I don't know how to say it though, so I stay in silence. It is crazy. Needing a friend and wanting that person to talk all the while being aware that I am not on the priority list. I sigh, because I just want to talk to him. I want to reach out to my friend but I cannot. I matter not, plain and simple, in the progress of his life. I am and will always be that temporary thing over their, maybe. Still, I long to talk to him. And yet aware that in this chapter, I will not because it is not what he wants. I don't know how to reach out to someone who doesn't want to be touched. I must face it...maybe its not my touch, desired, today.

I miss him, always.

He Should Be...Want Him to Be...Mine

2012-01-11T11:58:00.000-05:00

When I realize that he is not mine, then I will realize that this heartache will pass. To come to grips and accept that love is never enough is daunting. I will, and would do, anything to have him. I love him just so much. I will sacrifice nearly anything to help him, to encourage him, to support him, to love him, and to be with him. So much that I cannot see my world without him. I love him dearly. Nevertheless, love is not enough. He is never going to be with me. I must accept that. I must recite the words like a mantra. “He’s not my man. He has never been my man. He will never be my man. He belongs to someone else. He loves someone else. He cuddles at night with someone else. He watches TV with someone else. He eats dinner with someone else. He makes love to someone else.” Not me. No matter the situation, no matter how much I beg, ask, plead…it will never be me. When I accept that, then this heartache will pass.

However,

Closing my eyes, I enter the world of my dreams. I play the story in my head – not as a fantasy - but as my reality. We are together as a family. We are sharing and taking care of each other. Accepting the flaws and working through them. Honest with everything including the problems associated with the past and present. Encouraging him to prosper, helping him in all ways so that peace is the ultimate goal. I enter this world often, closing my eyes, or with a humble silent gaze – staring. We are together. We are laughing. We are happy. He is mine. I am his. We cuddle. We watch TV. We eat dinner. We make love. We are in harmony as one in a world in constant pain.

Yet,

I know.

He is not mine. So, that makes my heart cry.

Just a Laugh

2012-01-10T15:11:00.003-05:00

The silence is always so deafening. Why is that? Why does it always have to be a metaphor for me? Why can’t it just be silent and peaceful? Why does the silence always scream loudly to be heard? It is silent. It is supposed to be – silent.

I Would Have...

2011-12-14T03:30:00.001-05:00

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you.

I would have asked you to stay.

Disturbing, sigh...

2011-12-12T05:01:00.001-05:00

To be honest or not to be, that is the question...is it not? Maybe not so perfect. Maybe not so passionate. But there is a contentment and a happiness with the stability. "Who the fuck am I to ruin that for them?" Not worth it. Instead, face the fact with humble understanding that you are the loser realized - in the recent. "Why do I share emotion only to be crushed by hurtful words that scream dismissal?" The reason the coldness - the ease to dismiss is so easy because the security of commitment and the honesty of normality is the true desire, not the passion or a kindred connection. Disturbing, the realization to have recognized the truth, too late. The earthquake of passion - once dismissed - easily replaced with a little bit of time and effort, repeating the serial behavior, the exchange of desperate lust that can equal a new fountain to test. "Oh! God! I loved the taste of that fountain!"

Not Myself Today

2011-12-11T09:15:00.000-05:00

So many differences - So many lies - So many falsehoods

Acceptance is only part of the prescription. There must be a sight seen secured.

No more to be antagonized from one deeply loved.

Other distractions replace the need with the confidence.

Always to be that thing over there cheapened as convenience.

Reality sets in with truth and honest realization.

Always at a time when assurance is at its lowermost.

It Is Okay

2011-12-08T12:23:00.002-05:00

Grasping, grasping for the littlest thing. What have I done? What I have said? What can I do? I will try to change it. I will aim to fix it. No, I do not understand you. No, I do not know myself. I feel foolish. I feel lost. I need a friend. I do not want to be just an acquaintance. I want more. I want my friend. I want you to care. I want you to need me just as bad as I need you. But you do not. I want you to ache to talk with me as I do for you. But you do not. I cannot focus on anything but I should. I cannot stop writing. I cannot stop waiting. I cannot stop feeling. I cannot stop the desperate feeling of losing.

I Miss You, Blue

2011-12-08T10:37:00.002-05:00

I miss the scent of your skin as I breathed you in deeply.

I miss the taste your skin on my tongue.

I miss the abrasive feeling of your beard against my cheek.
I miss the flavor of the cigarettes you smoked on my lips.

I miss the passion of your kisses to my mouth.

I miss the play of your tongue as it tangled with mine.

I miss the bites to my neck; my thighs; my (sigh).

I miss the anticipation of ecstasy.

I miss the thickness of your strength as it slid inside me.

I miss the ache of penetration as you pushed deep inside me.

I miss the sound of your moans against my ear.

I miss the warmth of your orgasm as it filled me up.

I miss the look of surrender when you held me tight.

I miss the fall of your head against my shoulder.

I miss the mutual gaze of satisfaction.

I miss the unassuming stares of wanting more.

I miss the silly laugh that came with the acknowledgment of needing more.

I miss the conversation before, during, and after.

I miss the silliness that was consistent.

I miss the comfort that came after the escape.

I miss the seriousness of your voice in my ear.

I miss the shared words of fantasy.

I miss the realization of fantasies come true.

James Newton Howard

2011-12-08T09:57:00.000-05:00

Still Believe

2011-12-08T09:52:00.002-05:00

Love and sex. I relate the two as one. I wish I had experience love and sex a lot more in my youth. Whom am I kidding; I was excessively naive to appreciate the feeling of it, anyway. Yet, I wish I had not been so introvert. I wish I had not let what people had said to me at such a young age bother me, pushing me into a shell. I never wanted to be this way. I did not start like this. I can remember the shift of leaving the world of social activity and popularity to a world of solitude and distance. I can see the day even now. I wish I could go back to the hour before that moment and instead of cowering at the taunting, I fought back with just as powerful words. I wish that moment had not shaped me but it had. Now, I dream of having love with sex instead of just sex. Since my youth, I have dreamed of a fairytale – the dream long since died – but still, I dreamed of a fairytale of love and passion. I never desired anything more but love. Writing since I was six, my first story was of a little girl searching for love and still to this day, I write about the search for love. Despite the death of my fairytale, I still believe I will find a love that is everlasting.

Therapy

2011-12-08T09:36:00.002-05:00

Continued therapy...it is probably what I need. I understand the need to speak, to purge, and to hear a different perspective. To be questioned and forced to answer the question or at least self analyze after. Having a specialty degree in psychology does not help either because I know the treatment and how to journal it. It is serial my behavior, my emotions, my physical being. I am back to running. I am back to regaining my physical strength. It makes me feel empowered to see my body change for the better. Running is the one thing I can do for myself that has no implications only positive change. If I seek new therapy, it would be a time to heal and yet a continued cycle of behavior that no matter how much therapy I seek, it is still up to me to end the series.

Damn You, Love

2011-12-07T22:20:00.003-05:00

Love is an ugly bitch set out to destroy even the coldest heart. Every day, she punches you in the face and expects you not to complain. She twists you around her finger like a knot then expects you not to scream when she cuts of the circulation. She makes you laugh and long for more then turns you on your head and asks why you are frowning. She lays you down and creates passion and then prevents you from releasing. Damn you, Love.

I have a question for you Love…Why are you such a bitch?

My Diagnosis...In Search of Prescription

2011-12-07T19:03:00.002-05:00

Always to be unwanted, still, today, now. In essence, what is the point of life? Why exist? Everybody walks around in their self-absorbed lives thinking their problems are worse than the next person’s problems. I do this. Okay, yes, I’ve accepted the simple fate that I was never wanted and that life happens and people feel and experience problems and for the longest time I never really let it bother me, embracing the certainty for what it was, offering comfort to those in need, showing compassion, the true empathy. Nonetheless, I never receive nor even knew how to ask for it return. I’m afraid to ask. I am a hallow shell at this point. I cry silently the tears of honest hopelessness and great possibility.

I am a writer, unpublished, and lost. I am trapped in my own stories, my own fiction, and my own non-fiction. I write about the desperate, the anger, the hate, the desire, and the hunger for love. Sharing only, the superficial with a few… keeping the honesty from every one. Much like life has been for me. Veiled. I have come to learn that no one is worth anything anymore despite the high value. Everyone is a shell waiting to take what is obtainable. My own compassion is my flaw. I don’t care what you think of me yet I do. I care deeply for people who care nothing for me. My soul is lost now. I live for two distinct reasons, simply. Nothing more.

I am a writer and with that come flaws as with every artist...

"Don't Leave Me"

2011-12-07T16:49:00.001-05:00

To be faced with the certainty of nothing is to be faced with the vision of strength beyond self. I cannot survive even a second without the possibility of having nothing, even if it is just a tiny crumb to taste. My vision screams, “don’t leave me.” I will take the crumb and cherish it with greatness praying that it never wither away to dust that floats away in the air.